Raising Adults :: Parenting Advice from an Experienced Amateur

It amazes me at how we interact with these people we call children.

I remember that I wanted to know ‘why’, quite often, when I was a child.  Equally as often I was told ‘no’.  I hit a brick wall where there was no discussion.  I didn’t want to continue with that trait in my relationship with children.  So I almost succumbed to the trap of negotiation with children. 

Somewhere along the way, children realize that they can have control in situations using the art of negotiation.

I was at my niece’s home recently when her children came home from school.  They wanted to an after school snack.  OK, that was good.  Upon being offered a choice between two healthy snacks, her son started negotiating and whining to get the sweet treat he wanted.  His technique was amazing.  He thought that because there were onlookers that he could negotiate and win.  If he could get his mom to fear a tantrum, he would get his way.  He found that his mom had learned that trick.  After the offer of any snack was withdrawn, he saw the error of his ways and complied in a civil tone. 

In an effort to adhere to the newest parenting techniques, we find ourselves debating with people under the age of 18.  We do it all the time.  

When did this start?  I have been under the impression that although being able to express opinions, children live in a ‘dictatorship’.  By this I mean that the parents have responsibility to control the actions of their children and the right to ‘dictate’ the rules when necessary. 

As parents and care givers we must realize that sometimes the answer is “no” and not feel guilty in expressing our responsibility to these under age people we call children.

I read with interest the article posted about a study of very young children and spankings. http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20090915/hl_hsn/earlyspankingsmakeforaggressivetoddlersstudyshows 

 The article says that children who are spanked at age 1 are more aggressive at age 2. The article also states the negative affect of spanking was “modest”.  So, I have to wonder if the people conducting this survey have ever met a group of 2 year olds or have any living with them. 

 Spanking needs a definition.  To me, one swat to the hand or posterior is a swat.  Several swats to the posterior are what I call a spanking.   Now, I don’t believe that children need to be spanked, for the most part.  Nor will most children need it after they can fully understand your words.  And neither should be done in anger.

We spend the first year talking to babies who don’t know our language as yet. As they learn to walk and explore they learn to talk.  By age 2 these short people are exercising their first stage of independence.  Most children just repeat the word they have heard most “no”.   Then they are subject to being corrected.  Maybe, just maybe, that contributes to a more aggressive behavior and a “negative dynamic”.

 All of my children have wanted to touch the stove.  So what is said when they reach for the burners?  “No, Hot” is replied and as they reach again, a swat to the little fingers seems more appropriate than letting them get burned. 

This article doesn’t go beyond year 3.  So, what happens when these same “test subjects” are teens or beyond?  Will they respect their parents or will they talk back?  Will they steal from the local convenient store?  Do they cheat on tests?  Will they claw their way up the corporate ladder stepping on anyone in their way? 

 In law the punishment is supposed to befit the crime.  So, maybe at times spanking might befit the action.  And I, for one, don’t want it to be regulated off the table as a corrective tool.

Think about it.   We want ‘babies’ without knowing the full implications of our wants.  We get our wish and here comes the baby.

All the playing with dolls or babysitting did not fully prepare me.  Did you know that babies don’t come with a manual?    It’s true.

I had my strong opinions based on my life experiences up until that point.  Some opinions helped, the rest had to be revised.

My son, Tony, had his toys in his room and one of his newer toys was broken.  I asked what happened and was informed that “Charlie did it”.  Now Charlie is his cousin who is the same age. They play often and Charlie is great at creating havoc with toys.  It seems he can look at them and they break.  So, normally, I could believe this might happen.  However, on this particular occasion I knew it was impossible.  Charlie (along with his family) had moved over 1,000 miles from our home.   I know I laughed.  At the tender age of 3 Tony was not aware of the distance, so blaming Charlie seemed like a good way to keep himself out of trouble for his actions.  Not only did I have to address the broken toy; I had to address the obvious falsehood.   See, I needed the manual.  But most of all I had to learn.  My lesson was to read the situation as it is, not what I might want it to be. 

I found that guiding that baby (and others) would become a lifelong quest.   

From the first dirty diapers to grandchildren; the first scraped knee to a broken heart.  There are long nights walking the floor with a sick child and pacing the floor waiting for teenagers.  The road to guiding children into adults has been my quest and the greatest joy. 

And, I am still an amateur.

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